Our third round of Clomid failed. We were so sure this month was our month. We did everything right, everything was perfectly timed and plenty of it too! I had a follicle tracking scan on day 12 of my cycle which showed a nice juicy follicle measuring 25mm, with another at 15mm and would you believe another at 11mm… my body really responds to this tiny little pill! I was ready to pop and with an imminent weekend away with Hubs we had no doubt that this was our month.
Well, what a load of shit that was.
I am writing to you on day two of a very painful, heavy and clot-filled period. At this moment in time I couldn’t feel any more low, depressed and exhausted. Three months of constant hormone alterations have worn me down. I worked so hard for months and months to get myself into a better mental state; I paid privately for counselling, I made sure I used positive exercises to lift me up and I roped in Hubs to identify times when I was struggling and get me back to the counsellor for a top up session. I was in a great place both physically and mentally… then came Clomid.
Hand on heart, I completely underestimated the power of this tiny tablet. I thought that taking the lowest dose for five days would be a breeze. I had the belief that because it was only 50mg, the lowest dose I was offered, it couldn’t possibly give me all of the side effects that countless women have coined as giving you the ‘Clomid crazies’. Well, the truth is that my body responded to the medication, so no matter what dose I was taking, I was getting those side effects. The hot flushes I could deal with, the thirst was no problem, even the odd mood swing was manageable… but after a while they started to become tough. My reactions to things became heightened… I wasn’t just sad, I was depressed; I wasn’t just happy, I was ecstatic; I wasn’t just angry, I was furious; and I wasn’t just tired, I was exhausted.
I still am.
I feel like I have lost myself right now, but I do see a tiny little glimmer of the true Gemma coming back through. I don’t know where she’s been or how long she’ll take to come back, but as soon as that period started something inside me shifted. The version of me I’ve been lately has been the one I used to be. I couldn’t handle my emotions and struggled through for years, so to come back to this place has been bloody scary. Of course, it’s not just this, it’s the fact that it’s still not working. Why aren’t we getting pregnant? I want to run to my doctor and stamp my feet, I want to scream at her and order her to make this work. Life isn’t like that of course, but this is JUST. NOT. FAIR. I toggle between anger and sadness over it, two very exhausting states of mind to be in.
Anyway, this month we’re having a Clomid break, timed perfectly not only for my own sanity but also to enable me to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is where a dye is flushed through your fallopian tubes to see if they’re clear and possibly help clear them if partially blocked. I have done some research and am fully aware that a lot of women continue to take Clomid during this time, but I think after speaking to my Consultant at the Fertility Clinic about the way I am feeling, she felt it was time for a break. We have a follow up appointment next month where we will discuss the results and talk about the next step…
…you see there is always a next step.