Clomid · Experience · fertility · infertility · Lifestyle · PCOS · ttc

If at first you don’t succeed, try again…

… but what if you keep failing? It's so tough having to pick myself up each month, put on a brave smile & try again. I am writing this in my current head fog… the state of mind that kind of sets a crown of cloud around my head & binds me to my emotions. It will lift & I will feel back to my usual bouncy nothing-can-stop-me self… but for now I'm left wandering around aimlessly asking myself how on earth can I muster up the strength for another round.

So to bring you up to speed, rounds 1 & 2 of Clomid have failed us. The first month was really rough – it destroyed me physically; I was exhausted, my immune system took a hit, I developed an awful cold & I lost myself for a little while. We had a follicle tracking scan on CD11 which showed four follicles starting to mature. We were told to hold off from trying & I was rescanned on CD15, which thankfully showed three follicles had become dormant & one big fat juicy follicle was just fit to burst… the only problem was Hubs was away & with no sperm in the pipe to catch that little eggy we quite possibly missed it.

I was apprehensive about starting round 2 due to how rough it made me feel, but after feeling our fail was probably down to a timing issue we powered on through. To my surprise I had no side effects whatsoever! I was full of energy, back to regular exercise & on top of the world full of hope that this would be our month. We timed everything perfectly… we couldn't have got any more textbook "sperm meets egg plan"! We were on it! About a week into the two week wait, I started to see evident symptoms of ovulation for a second time this cycle… so I tested with an ovulation predictor kit (OPK) & I had a line. It wasn't entirely positive by any means, but it threw me. We hadn't been given the option for a scan so we had to anxiously wait, which turned into a few extra days than normal, & was met with an extremely painful, heavy & heartbreaking period.

Had I built myself up too much? Was it just all the hormones? Who knows… I will bounce back, I always do, but right now I have no idea when that might be. I want to hide away under my duvet & leave the world to keep on spinning around me whilst I wait for my head to sort itself out. Unfortunately I can't & as we find ourselves at CD2 I am bracing myself for round 3 this evening. I tend to take my tablets at night in an attempt to bypass any immediate symptoms by sleeping through them.

So, please take a moment to wish us luck in the hope that round 3 is the one for us! I have a scan booked for CD12 this month after speaking to my clinic about the frustrations over ovulation… will keep you posted!

xx Gem xx


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