I didn’t mean to have such a break from this blog, it just became low priority… and I suppose the reason was due to anxiety. I started to get worked up about writing posts and what people thought of them that I stopped, but I’m back and I want to really push myself to make this work. I love my Instagram account and use it daily to document diet and exercise but I don’t tend to talk too much about my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) symptoms. Sometimes this is simply because I’m not struggling and other times this is because I can’t bring myself to talk about it. I’m terrible at bottling things up and putting on a smile when I’m suffering on the inside. The truth is some days I feel completely shackled by my anxiety and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone how I feel. I assume how people will respond, I create their feelings in my mind and become determined that they will react this way if I tell them… when in fact they would probably react the complete opposite way! Today I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings, so I thought I would take the opportunity to do so.
Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and don’t want to get out of bed? Or how about you can’t get out of bed? I used to feel like that a lot. The best thing I could have done for myself was just to close my eyes and sleep it off, however life doesn’t always allow you to do that. Mostly if I tried to get up it would end up with tears and sometimes I would feel a kind of terror that made me sick to my stomach. However a couple of hours later you wouldn’t believe that I was the same person. It’s like a switch that flips and I suddenly wake up, feeling ashamed of myself and looking at this mess of a person in the mirror. Sometimes I honestly can’t remember the words I say or the way I’ve behaved, it’s terrifying.
I find it a real funny thing, anxiety. It can strike at the strangest moments and other times when I assume I’d struggle I end up pulling through with immense strength. I think as I’ve got older I’ve learnt to shrug things off, I’ve always been terrible with negativity, but now some things just don’t seem like such an issue. I have come to appreciate that we’re all going through our own journey and have different views and opinions… what does it matter if my opinion doesn’t sit well with others? I shouldn’t have to hide my views or worry about what they think of me. Of course it’s all fair and well me saying this now, but if I were to write this tomorrow I may not be able to say the same. It makes me feel unpredictable, which I hate, but luckily my husband accepts this and is incredibly supportive… it can’t be easy for him.
If I look back to this time last year I would find myself having, what I call, ‘dark days’ at least once a week. Not always as extreme as I’ve explained above, but definitely a firm staple in my mental health. Since being diagnosed with PCOS I had to change my diet and exercise to manage my symptoms and I no longer struggle with as many of these dark days, sometimes I can go a month without one. I’m a lot happier in myself and I feel this is down to the lifestyle that I now lead. I’m not saying ‘change your diet and your anxiety will disappear’ but for me it seems to have helped, tremendously. I also have learnt to pre-empt when I may go through a dark patch and have been building my confidence up to ask Hubs for help. Sometimes this means not going to an event we have tickets for or cancelling meal plans, but to me it’s a small price to pay if it keeps my anxiety at bay. Whether or not I’m the only one who feels this way, I’m not sure, but we are all individuals and this is just a little insight into how I struggle and cope.
Going back to my blog, I still want to provide helpful information about PCOS and I have a couple of posts I’m in the middle of writing, but I think I’ll incorporate a few rambles now and then as I tend to slip into a very formal mode and I want to try and be as informal as possible… which is a big deal for me. If you look at my previous posts and my Instagram account, you will see lots of formal style posts and that is simply me, but I do have another side, a more relaxed side and this is the one that I hope any ladies with PCOS, or not, will be able to relate to.
Stay happy, healthy and focused…
xx Gem xx